Scrooge McDuck: An Expose on Greed and Evil

As a child, few things captured my attention like Disney’s DuckTales. Looking back on it, I don’t really know why. Perhaps I long ago harbored intense interest in duck-human hybrids, their crime fighting exploits, and the persistent efforts of mutant dog people in taking their money. Little did I know that through my gaze of TV worship I was indirectly supporting Scrooge McDuck, who possibly is the most evil man-duck of our time.

Granted many would argue that Donald should be granted the infamous title of World’s Most Evil Man-Duck. After all he was a well known Nazi.

 

I’m certainly not trying to excuse the things Donald did and who he may or may not have killed. I’m just saying he doesn’t rise to #1. Mostly because he was so young when he joined Hitler’s army. If we as a society can accept a pope who was once in Hitler’s Youth certainly we can’t label Donald as the most vile of the duck-men. No. For that we must climb up Donald’s family tree and hang our tire-swing from the branch of Uncle Scrooge. If Donald inherited a genetic disposition toward evil, it most certainly came from the Scottish side of his family.

Scrooge McDuck is a greedy, merciless, robber-baron. He only cares about his nephews and a giant coliseum of gold known playfully as The Money Bin. I personally suspect that he keeps Huey, Duey, and Luey around because, as an old man-duck, he will need potential organ donors. As for The Money Bin, it is nothing more than a shrine to greed and the gods of waste. The money that sits in this bin never circulates or grows the economy. It is only used as a pool for Scrooge to swim in or as a mattress for Scrooge’s filthy duck-sex. In a lot of ways the Beagle Boys were a working man’s Robin Hood trying to liberate wasted riches from the cold hands of a heartless bourgeoisie man-duck in order to feed their dear old ma. 

Rather than giving a fraction of his wealth to the neediest residents in Duckburg, the demented geezer feeds his riches to rats.

What truly makes scrooge evil, however, are his imperialistic origins. From Wikipedia and I quote:

 “Voodoo Hoodoo”, first published in August 1949, was the first story to hint at Scrooge’s past with the introduction of two figures from it. The first was Foola Zoola, an old African sorcerer and chief of the Voodoo tribe who had cursed Scrooge, seeking revenge for the destruction of his village and the taking of his tribe’s lands by Scrooge decades ago. Scrooge privately admitted to his nephews that he had used an army of “cutthroats” to get the tribe to abandon their lands, in order to establish a diamond-mining colony. The second figure was Bombie the Zombie, the organ of the sorcerer’s curse and revenge.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrooge_McDuck

Yes. That’s right. Scrooge invaded a foreign land, forcibly relocated an indigenous people, and plundered their natural resources. I’m guessing the private army of “cutthroats” were sort of the Black Water (oh. I’m sorry. I mean Xe) of the time. God knows how many of his own people Foola Zoola watched die in Scrooge’s blood diamond mines. Scrooge was like the guys in Avatar who tried to take over the cat planet except Scrooge was successful in cutting down all of the big life-trees. A death by zombie attack is too good for Scrooge but I understand that Chief Zoola had to work with the resources that he had available.  

Sure, I don’t have the pictures of Scrooge’s diamond colony or the tragic results of his plutocratic rule so it doesn’t have the same jarring effect on the reader as Donald’s Sieg Heil salute. I also don’t have the filthy duck-sex pics but we’ve all heard the rumors of the money bin orgies. Determining who is the most evil man-duck is a serious academic effort, but whether you are in Camp Donald or Camp Scrooge, we can all agree- Disney spawns some seriously fucked up ducks.

They also seem to hold a creationist belief that dinosaurs and man-duck lived at the same time and that’s pure fiction.

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My Review of the KFC Double Down Sandwich

 

I went out drinking with my buddies on Saturday and awoke with a manageable hangover. This hangover was accompanied by an intense craving for fried chicken and bacon, so I thought the time might be finally right to try the new KFC Double Down sandwich. If you are unfamiliar this bold, new, ground-breaking sandwich, it consists of bacon, cheese, and two pieces of fried chicken which serve as the “bun” for the “sandwich”.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – this food product is completely unnecessary and represents everything that is wrong with America. That is correct and I don’t deny it. Prior to this perfect storm of bacon and chicken cravings, I mostly regarded the Double Down sandwich as a freakish curiosity. However, that morning I wanted live life, try something new, and take a walk on the wild side. So I left my apartment and went to KFC- a man on a mission.

Upon arriving at my local KFC/Taco Bell combination establishment, I was greeted by a giant picture of the Double Down and let me tell you, it did not look at all appetizing. Usually fast food advertisements make the food look a million times more picturesque than the food would look in reality if it was sitting on your plastic tray. This advertisement was absolutely failing in its purpose. Rather than making me excited to try the Double Down, it was making me wonder if I had chosen the wrong path in my chicken/bacon quest.

I get up to the counter and I’m greatly conflicted. I don’t want to eat something which by all indications is grim as hell. On the other hand, I specifically got out of bed and went to KFC to eat this crazy sandwich and I didn’t want to fail in my mission. There was no line behind me so I asked the KFC employee if the Double Down was good. All expression drained from her face, she looked down, and very meekly said, “no”. “Are you afraid of the sandwich?”, I asked in a very gentle tone that you would use with a child who just witnessed a traumatic event. Again, she looked down and soberly nodded her head. It was clear that the KFC Double Down sandwich had crushed this woman’s spirit. From her eyes the message was obvious – “You need to seriously reconsider this sandwich decision or abandon all hope of having an enjoyable chicken eating experience.” 

At that point, it became clear. I could not allow myself to eat the world’s most grim looking sandwich based on a novel concept and an omnipresent marketing campaign. I knew the risk was too great. I am not a gambling man and hence I was unable to Double Down at KFC.

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